Politics is high drama. It relies on the Drama Triangle to label the good guys and the bad guys and prove we are the wronged victims. We are entitled to do whatever we need to regain our stature, property, or rights. Obama used it, McCain used it. So did Napoleon, Hitler, Yamomoto, Churchill, and the Roosevelts. Sadly, they have to because it works.

Concession speeches usually fan the dying embers of their cause’s victimhood. They aim to bank the fire so it can be used to ignite the next run for office.

As Barack Obama said in his victory speech, there are few who have endured more than John McCain. I don’t know how you survive the hatred and inhumanity of nearly dying in the Hanoi Hilton. But McCain did. And he was a driving force for establishing economic and political relations with his former captors. He escaped the usually life long handicap of wallowing in his mistreatment by letting go of his victimhood and forgiving his captors.

He showed his character again last night. His concession speech was not about him or his cause. Respect and admiration for Obama were evident in his words and his actions. This is the McCain that we have known and respected for decades, whether you think he should be president or not. America made a choice. They didn’t pick him. Still, he doesn’t see himself as a victim. How many of us could say the same?

Once again the kids lose!

The Superintendent of the DISD (Dallas County Independent School District), Michael Hinojosa, has recommend that the district handle the budget shortfall by cutting HALF of the Counselor positions!

Now, I know that School Counselors don’t get to do much real counseling as it is, given the administrative work they have been assigned, but this is a often child’s only hope for an adult to reach out to if they are in trouble. What kind of future will the kids of DISD have if there are not enough counselors for them to turn to?

What School Counselors Do

School counselors help make plans for kids with all kinds of problems, emotional, educational and vocational. Without them to help kids find their path, who is going to take up the slack? The teachers? The administrators? I don’t think so!!

I want to get angry and blame the school district. I know they have had their share of corruption and the normal bureaucracy struggles. But this is absurd. Cut back on football for God’s sake. Now, don’t get me wrong I think sports are important, especially team sports, but to build huge stadiums like we do here in Texas when they are laying off counselors to make up for the slake is absurd. I don’t know that they are doing that in DISD but I do know there are BOUND to be more humane things to do to solve this problem than to kick out the Counselors.

Who is a kid to turn to???

When my kids needed help with anything in school, they turned to their counselors to help with career choices, to deal with teachers or administrators they had clashes with, etc. But for kids with no real home life, school Counselors become their only real refuge. They help them find all kinds of resources they could not find otherwise. Does the superintendent not get it that he will suddenly see a spike in drug use, in suicide, in violence and school drop out rates if he does this ridiculous thing? The violence rate in Dallas County will undoubtedly go up, the truancy rate will go up, and our courts will have to deal with the kids the School Counselors could have helped long, long before the courts got involved.

Where is our humanity???

If you live in Dallas County it is in your best interest whether you have children or not to weigh in on this issue. Call the board and complain, send a barrage of emails, go down there in person and tell them to get their head out of their rear end and do something different about the budget crisis.

Weigh in with me, too.

The relatable factor

It has been said of Sarah Palin that women relate to her. She is pretty, strong, and hard headed. She has a lot of qualities that we’d like our mom’s to have, and that we would like to be ourselves: confident, sure of our words, and unapologetic for our beliefs and public behaviors. She is a wife, a mother with five children and a job.

Hilary Clinton only had one child and her life was her work. They have made very different choices, and very different perceptions by the pubic.

Working moms, the media would have us believe, relate with a mom who shoots wolves from a helicopter and risks our child’s health by flying eight hours across the country after our water broke. Maybe she is more relatable and personable than Hilary.

Unfair standards

She is being judged by perhaps unfair standards, as any woman running for public office still is today. She is expected to as the song says “bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan” and still look gorgeous in the process. She does all of that. And she isn’t afraid to stand up for what she believes in either.

I think it is less that we relate with her than that we would like to be like her. Hilary seemed so severe and took the second seat next to her oh-so-charming husband. How many of us even know what Palin’s husband looks like? We like the idea that we could be all of those things and still be liked. Hilary Clinton struggled to do all of those things and still be liked. A lot of people ended up liking her, but it didn’t come easily to her. She never was gorgeous and a super mom in the way of Sarah Palin.

Good guys and bad guys

When we are in our usual mode of trying to decide who is the “good guy” and who is the “bad guy” it’s easy to confuse likable with “good”. It’s easy to confuse “like me” with “good” and “not like me” with “bad”. We all feel more comfortable with these easy categories. When we can sort people out by simple categories and selecting “good” and “bad” based on them. Funny thing is, I can understand this because it is how our brains work. But that doesn’t make for rational judgments based on the things that really matter.

The cute guy in class

I remember when I was a teen falling for the cutest guy in my class. He was funny, personable and had the best bone structure. I flushed every time he came near and longed for his attention. My entire perception of his desirability was based on how he appeared. He was in the “good” category. He ended up dropping out from ninth grade and spending, last I heard, five years in the federal penitentiary for drug dealing.

Choosing with a different part of our brain

While our primitive survival instincts will have us pick and sort based on these simple groupings… they don’t really help us in our modern world. Choosing a candidate for President of these United States must be done based on something beyond are they “like me” or not. Granted that is our instinct. But should instincts prevail in our choices? Or should we pick based on something out of our more evolved, cognitive mind?

Being able to choose to do anything based on our more evolved, higher brain functions seems imperative to me as a human being, and even more so as a citizen of a free country with a right to vote. We have a responsibility to use our choices wisely and with our more evolved brain. It changes everything.

How it seems to me

We must pick our candidate based on what they show us about what they are capable of doing and being, not just whether they are perceived as being a “good guy” “like me” or not.

What do you think?

Should we vote based on or emotional reactions? Are these valid points or am I off base? Let me know. Comment below.

Sorting out a political choice

Sorting out a political choice is confusing today – perhaps more than ever. Computer aided technology has helped get more and more clear about exactly what America wants. What we want is a centrist candidate with good morals who can be trusted to uphold the American Constitution and who will provide a solid front to foreign officials. Each party has their slant on what exactly that means. To the traditional Republican it means having someone who is for Gun’s rights and against abortion and gay marriage. To a Democrat it means someone who is willing to make social change happen at the same time managing to allow more freedoms to the individual.

“Good Guys” versus “Bad Guys”

But inside all of it the process seems to be about figuring out who is the “Good Guy” and who is the “Bad Guy”.

McCain’s choice of Palin as his running mate managed to put him more in the “Good Guy” column to a lot of women voters. Thus turning him in to a “Good Guy” for women voters looking for an avenue for women to gain access to the Oval Office.

Obama gets to be the “Good Guy” for all those people of color who have never made it to the Oval office, too. Of course, his naming Biden as his running mate made him the “Good Guy” to all those Jewish citizens who have never made it to the Oval Office either.

This race seems to be as much about who can be the best “Good Guy” for the most discriminated group as anything else. Even McCain’s age is a factor in that he will be one of the oldest presidential candidates (Reagan was 73 when he ran). Seniors are yet another disenfranchised group. Older people will see him as the poster child for growing older and still fully participating in life and the world.

As the race for the 2008 election continues we will undoubtedly hear some quickly thrown together stories about why each candidate is not really the “Good Guy” and in fact, is the “Bad Guy” we all fear.

For McCain, the issue already (pardon the pun) heating up, is the issue of his temper. He has quite a quick fuse and there are 40 videos of his temper flaring that have been viewed more than a million times.

For Obama there is the ridiculous claim that he is a Muslim “fundamentalist”. Just calling him a Muslim puts him into the “Bad Guy” category for many ignorant voters thinking that Muslim equates with terrorism. (The Muslim faith has many of the same basic tenets as the Christian faith and neither are proponents of murder and terror).

What is behind this simplification?

So what is up with this need to find a “Good Guy” or a “Bad Guy” all the time? I think its part of how our brains are wired. We have to assess a potential threat with the knowledge of what is “Good” and what is “Bad” so that we can quickly determine the right course of action. It’s a primitive response that comes from our old brain, the part of our brain that is similar in structure to reptiles. The impulse is: if it’s a threat to us it is “Bad” if it is safe it is “Good”. So we view threats this way. Swing voters go back and forth looking to figure out who is this weeks “Good Guy” and “Bad Guy”. The “Swift Boaters” of the last election were able to sway this group to win the election for George Bush. Now, I wasn’t a big Kerry fan, but now who is the “Bad Guy”?

The important take-away

The important thing I hope you will take away from this tirade is that simply allowing or primitive reactions and looking for the simple “Good Guy” versus “Bad Guy” decision making process can get us all in a world of mess. (Look what happened the last time!) We need to use our higher brain functions, put on our thinking caps and make decisions based on the real issues and not whether one is perceived at this moment in history as a “Good Guy” or a “Bad Guy” in whatever category we are interested. Getting out of the black and white (no political reference intended) changes everything!

It's an illusion!

The “Good Guy, Bad Guy” image is all illusion anyway, that should be clear by now, manipulated by the media and each man’s political campaign. Dig deeper, discover for yourself what makes each of these clearly GOOD men tick. Choose based on whether you fundamentally agree with what one of them is saying they believe, and how they have VOTED in the past. Look at the things they have done, not just what they say, and make a choice based on how closely they match your values. Don’t allow the media’s appeal to our reptilian brain dictate your thinking. You are smarter than that!

Comments Please!

Let me know how you see it. Have you seen the “Good Guy/Bad Guy” thing happening in other areas? I’d love to hear what you think. Comment below.

Trading Sex for Jungle Tour

I read this great article today on CNN about how this college student, now a chocolate store owner, convinced a local African to take her into the jungle to live for two weeks. She had been unable to find a paid guide to take her, but this young man liked her looks. She didn’t particularly like his, but she didn’t care. She traded two weeks of sex for two weeks in the jungle. It turned out to be a great deal, she felt it more than worth the price.

The Powerof Sex to Get Things Done

The article goes on to talk about how a lot of women trade sex for services. The classic having sex with your handyman was the most obvious example. Though the article traced these types of trades back to ancient Egypt when Cleopatra “cemented her power” through having sexual relations with Roman rulers.

Biology of the Trade

The final paragraph in the article talks about the whole premise of trading sex for services being driven by biology. Dr. Chris Fariello, director of the Institute for Sex Therapy at the Council for Relationships, a nonprofit relationship-counseling group based in Philadelphia, says a partner who provides more resources -- wealth, shelter, home repairs -- is seen as more attractive and stands to reap more sexual rewards. But until I got to the last line, I didn’t really get why having sex with your handyman was more than just a funny cliché. As Fariello puts it, "I don't get anybody in my office who says, 'My husband sits on the couch all day and eats bonbons, and I want to have sex with him all the time.”

What Does This Say About US?

This made me laugh out loud. But then I thought about what it is really saying. What this is saying is that our pre-programmed biological drive is to have a mate who takes ownership of their life and surroundings – and is capable of doing so. Whether male or female we have to add value to our partner in some form. Men are easier because they have such a strong biological drive for sex, but women, too need a man who adds something to her life. Men have often twisted that to mean (perhaps because of our American cultural emphasis on money) that if they don’t make a lot of money they can’t get a hot wife.

What this article makes clear is that women and men need the same thing - someone who adds value to their life. That could mean money, but then why do so many well-supported women give up married life in order to pursue something else? Obviously money is NOT it! Women want a man who does more that “sits on the couch all day eat(ing) bonbons.” We are biologically driven to find a man willing to take ownership of their life and surroundings. It changes everything. I’ve always said there is nothing sexier than a man standing in front of the sink with a sink full of dirty dishes and his sleeves rolled up. We want a man who is willing to work… Of course, what men want from us is a whole different article.

To be completely honest, that describes me to a T. My first husband was worthless, didn’t even feel that he needed to earn income, much less contribute around the house or with our baby. My second worked hard but contributed nothing to my needs, making our home or caring for our daughters. Now I have married a man who works harder than I do at keeping our home and family together. I’m crazy about him. Who knew it was biology?

What do you think?

Do you ever think you would trade your skill for sex or sex for a skill? I'd love to hear if you have nor have not, and what you think about it.

Searching out the bad guys

Who’s to blame? That’s what we all want to know isn’t it. When something goes wrong our primitive nature seeks out the source of the crime. We want to know who or what is to blame so that we can put the whole issue to rest. Whatever the issue.

Last weeks Newsweek contained an article by Stuart Taylor Jr. about how looking for blame in regard to the problem of torturing suspected war criminals in the United States military over the past seven years cannot be approached this way. He has gotten some flack from readers about his no blame approach. But I think he is 100% correct.

The pattern of blame

When we spend all our time in search of the bad guy, trying to figure out who should go to jail, who should be prosecuted. People always automatically go into Self-Protector mode. This causes anyone involved to go behind a veil of silence, protecting them from possible trouble that could result if they were to come clean.

At this point the government has prosecuted only those at the lowest level of the abuse; those acting under orders in an atmosphere encouraging such behavior.

Should they have known better?

Sure, but then again, so should those prosecuting them.

The problem, as Taylor points out, is a systemic problem that cannot be solved merely by pointing fingers. In fact as those involved fear for their freedom and their careers will band together to protect themselves from harm. Wouldn’t you?

Our survival nuture

It is our nature, when under attack, to fight for our survival. The problem is that because we live in a world where nothing exists except Self-Protectors, Victims and Rescuers then Taylor must be seen as a Rescuer. Victims don’t like Rescuers who are rescuing the perceived perpetrator.

Is this Rescuing?

Rescuing is when you take over, with no respect for the other, and hold them irresponsible for their deeds. This is NOT what Taylor is calling for at all.

Taylor’s premise is that we must examine the problem from inside the system, recognizing that something went wrong in the system and holding each person accountable for their part, but not to “blame”. Giving everyone involved immunity allows us to step back and look at the whole problem of how this travesty occurred in our supposedly “free” American society.

Any other approach leads to more secrecy, more scapegoats, and more travesties.

Practicing Compassion

Coming from a compassionate place where we recognize that within a system where abuse is as normal as eating, finding blame is useless. It’s like the whole dysfunctional family trend of the early ‘90’s. We’re miserable, so who’s to blame? Why our parents of course! Anyone who survived this period of time in psychotherapy will attest to what this cost them personally within their family systems.

Practicing compassion means holding people accountable without blaming them for the entire blame. Certainly no one person made the decision to allow the kinds of tortures we have read about since the beginning of the Afghanistan and Iraq wars. Respecting that each person within the system did what they thought was correct, legal actions at the time; we allow them to speak of how the horrors came to be. We have empathy for how difficult it might have been to have broken from the status quo to protest. In doing this own that what happened should not have happened and take ownership of preventing any further, similar horrors to occur.

Compassion requires allow us to be human beings. It allows us to make mistakes, yet holds us accountable for our behavior. It changes how we perceive everything.

Should we pursue the bad guys

What do you think? Am I off base? Is Taylor? I know some of you have to be irate at the thought of “letting them off” for such awful deeds. Tell me what you think. Comment below.

Politicians love drama and no one enjoys it more than Jesse Jackson. Drama loves a victim, a bad guy, and a hero to make everything better. Politicians like to cast their constituents as victims of some other politician and cast themselves as the hero. It motivates crowds and marshals armies. It even gets out the vote.

You said it!

Obama’s father’s day appeal to black men struck a cord with me. He said "They have abandoned their responsibilities, acting like boys instead of men. And the foundations of our families are weaker because of it,"

Obama took the risk to speak up

His call to black men is for them to take ownership of the conditions in which they find themselves. He is not attacking them for their failures, as much as pointing out that the only way anything will change is for us to take ownership of the things we can. He goes on to say, "We can't simply write these problems off to past injustices. Those injustices are real. There's a reason our families are in disrepair ... but we can't keep using that as an excuse."

The Victim role

What he is saying is that staying in the Victim role and complaining about the injustices in our country does not empower anyone. He says, making the choice “to demand the best from themselves and their children” is what is called for, not staying in the Victim place and blaming society for all the problems.

Ownership

I have not always been sure I agree with what Obama has to say, but this time I am sure. I like hearing from someone in power recognizing that all of us, no matter how downtrodden, have the power to take Ownership of their lives and circumstances. You have no idea how many of my clients who have been badly abused feel trapped and unable to take Ownership of their lives because of the injustices they have suffered. Any time you believe you have no choices and that you are trapped in a condition beyond your control you are in the Victim role.

Taking Ownership by “demanding the best” from ourselves and our children truly changes everything.

What do you think?

Is Obama right in his call to black fathers? Is this not true for all of us?

Comment below.

Be patient, I’m going to RANT

A lot of us in Texas, and I suppose, around the world are shocked and amazed at the public turnaround on the decision to remove the 440 children from the FLDS compound in West Texas. I mean, I am glad that if CPS acted without proper authority the Supreme Court overruled them. CPS in my experience has seldom done things correctly. I have seen them remove children from parents who loved them because their spouses or boyfriends who were then incarcerated had abused their children. I have even had cases where bruised and battered adolescents were told to “Go home and mind your parents”. I’ve seen them investigate cases where kids were clearly being abused and send the child to treatment and let the parent remain in the home to have the child rejoin them with no consequence or follow up after returning from treatment. I’ve seldom seen CPS do the right thing, so it is no real surprise to me that they screwed this one up, too.

What about the kids?

My dismay is that these poor kids have had such an awful ordeal. First, they are brought up in a culture that cuts them off from any knowledge or exposure to the modern world. Then they are taught obedience to an authority that dictates to them who and when they shall marry and have children, no matter their tender years. I understand there were dozens of children under the age of 17 who were “married” mothers. The boys were taught that they, too, were to grow up and marry someone the “authority’ selected for them and to have sex with their “underage wives.”

These kids have been yanked from everything they knew, exposed to the “outside world” and given sanctity and safety for a month or so and now they are being returned to the world they were torn from. I suppose it is hard to know who the abusers are since the members of the sect deny any “abuse”. Oh, I suppose girls get pregnant by divine intervention. At least that must be how the Texas Supreme Court sees it since I have never seen more clear evidence that SOMEONE is abusing a child than that they are under age and pregnant in a cult where the BOYS never marry under age 17.

This is the biggest mess I’ve ever seen and I don’t understand what in the world is going to protect those kids from further abuse.

The New FLDS Policy

The newest thing is that they say they no longer will have a policy of letting under age girls marry. HELLO they were NEVER legally married in the FIRST PLACE. What is to prevent them from continuing an illegal practice that was never overtly practiced???

Don’t misunderstand, I don’t think these cult members who have been practicing their perverted version of Mormonism for over a hundred years. This is NOT a matter of “Religious Freedom”. It is a matter of CHILD SAFETY. Oh, and of course, polygamy itself is illegal in Texas, too.

Maybe the authorities are just stepping back to make a better case later, but in the meantime these children continue to be exposed to further abuse. What of the girls who are under age and “married” to their older cousins and uncles? Wont they go right back into the subjection of forces sexual relations with their “husband”? What is to prevent it? It is what they “believe” to be their rightful place.

What other abuse situation would we let this happen in?

In other situations where children are in a home where abuse is clearly taking place the child is NOT RETURNED because the odds are that they will be abused again. WHAT IS DIFFEREN HERE????

It is our job as a community to protect these children. We have let them down. I am disappointed and grieved that these poor kids don’t have anyone who will protect them. Their mothers and their grandmothers and their aunts and uncles all grew up believing that it is right for them to be subjected to this kind of treatment. Clearly none of them are going to protect their kids, boys or girls.

Man o’ man that CPS

CPS, “bless their hearts” are “doing the best they can”. They are going to “teach” these parents to parent??? How can they pretend that this somehow will protect these children. As long as the “husbands” have access to their “wives” the kids will be abused. It’s their “God given right” according to the FLDS beliefs.

A better solution?

From the beginning of this mess I have thought it was all handled badly. CPS went in with guns, armed to remove the kids from their “dangerous” family. It was heavy handed and frightening to participants and viewers alike. What I believe should have been done is that a number of CPS workers, social workers and psychologist should have gone in and taken charge of the kids on the compound itself. They should have separated the men and the women and began teaching them about child development, the law, and parenting. This would take months and they could continue to practice their religious beliefs while being taught a more humane way to treat children. Prosecuting the “polygamist’ marriages as they were discovered through financial penalties and incarceration only in the most hardened cases. In cases of men who have developed pedophilia as a result (we do have tests for this) remove them from access to any child (as we do in the case of other child abuse offenders) and even incarcerating those most likely to re-offend in the greater community.

What do you think?

Any other approach denies children protection, and traumatizes all the individuals involved without helping anyone only criminalizing the whole bunch as we did that fateful day we went in armed and bussed their children away from them.

What do you think? Was it right that we sent them back? What should we do? Comment below.

Government investigation

CNN had a report this morning that the government announced on Thursday there is to be a wide ranging probe into oil price manipulation and said it would get more information on the effect investors are having on the market. This is to be undertaken by the Commodity Futures Trading Commission

"There is a theory that the price of crude oil is being driven up not by supply and demand principles, but by speculators using what are called dark markets, markets that can't be watched by the public or regulators, to manipulate the price of crude," said Michael Greenberger, a professor at the University of Maryland and a former CFTC official.

Victim of what?

I don’t know about you my instinct when things look foul is to look for someone to blame. I’d love to blame the oil companies or oil speculators or anyone convenient. And, it’s easy to see how we could lay blame on some of them. After all, in my lifetime I have never seen gas prices go up so dramatically without some kind of associated shortage.

Shortages?

Gas prices went up in the late 70’s and we had long gas lines, stations running out of gas and we could only buy gas on certain days in order to manage the shortage. It was scary. But not as scary as gas prices over the $5 mark, which is sure to come before the end of summer.

So what does explain this insane leap in oil prices? Even the government can’t account for it. I mean, sure, former third world countries with huge populations (China and India) could account for increased demand. That would surely create some shortage and make it harder to get enough wouldn’t it, along with the increased prices? But we aren’t seeing shortages: only increased prices.

But I AM a Victim!

I do feel like a victim in this regard since I have no power to even understand what is happening with our gasoline prices. But, if I were to admit my part in all this I would admit to not having bought a hybrid yet. I could also say that I only just last week saw “Who Killed the Electric Car?”.

Owning our part

As Americans we have been sitting idly by as our planet has gotten in worse and worse condition, driving our Hummers and watching our video games with little real attention paid to the cost of carbon-fuel. If we are to own our part in this current situation we have to recognize that we are not victims. We all have some responsibility in our dependence on oil. The electric car can and should have been made available to the public, but we didn’t demand it, we just kept buying bigger cars; even when we knew better.

What can we do?

Rather than looking for the government to rescue us from the big bad oil companies we need to organize ourselves in a way that puts our resources into finding alternative, clean energy sources. Cars powered by electricity coming from windmills or thermal power? Now that could be clean energy. Maybe even nuclear power. More plants is a possibility. Let’s put our focus on what we can do rather than “woe is me!” Victim stuff. Now, that could change everything.

Comments?

What do you think? Do you have any ideas on this topic? Let me know what you think. Comment below.

Blame, blame whose got the blame?

There was a story on CNN this morning about a dozen police officers beating 3 bound “suspects”. This was apparently caught on video so there is no question of what they did. Community leaders are going at it trying to place the blame. Some are blaming it on race, saying the police officers beat them because they are black. Local appear to agree because they claim this happens all the time. The police claim that stress is to blame. The officers involved had just lost one of their own that had been slaughtered on the streets on Saturday. One of their spokesmen claim the murder set the officers up to lose it on the men they were arresting.

Fear

When we understand that fear is always underneath these outbursts it changes everything. The men they arrested had just opened fire on a crowd and this is why the police arrested them in the first place. I can only imagine the adrenalin rush going through these officers after having witnessed this kind of an attack. Granted, they are supposed to be well trained enough to avoid such a travesty, but fear is a primal reaction that often has nothing to do with how we have been trained or even what we believe to be appropriate behavior.

Odds are, the men they arrested were behaving the way they did out of fear as well. I don’t know if they were gang members, but they likely were. Gangs operate entirely out of fear. The whole basis of belonging to a gang is fear. The members are recruited out of fear. When someone is being recruited the gang terrorizes them into joining, then terrorizes them to keep them from leaving. Yet being a member of a gang puts them at risk for attack by opposing gangs, thereby increasing the members fears. Undoubtedly their opening fire on the crowd was motivated by this fear. Perhaps there was gang member from an opposing gang in the crowd who had promised to kill one of the shooters gang members.

Lessons from Iraq

Perhaps we should be learning from General Patraeus in Iraq. He understands that you can’t win a war on tribesmen by going in and blasting them to hell. We have to look at gangs in the exact same way. They are exactly like opposing tribes and if we don’t look at changing the system, in the way General Patraeus is doing, we will continue to have to deal with the kind of horrors highlighted by this attack in Philly.

Compassion

Compassion means letting go of blame. And I don’t mean standing by while people continue to hurt each other – we have to take ownership and protect ourselves and others from people who are afraid and out of control. But we stop the violence with compassion. We take ownership of the need for protection from their violent behavior, but we do it respectfully and with empathy. We recognize that they are afraid and that they are dealing with it in the only way they know how. We respect that they are doing the best they can, in spite of the awfulness of their behavior. We don’t blame them for their fear, we empathize with it and do our best to take ownership of the situation; meaning we try to change whatever it is that is causing the problems.

How do you see it?

This is what General Patraeus is doing. We desperately need to apply the same things to the wars happening everyday here at home. What do you think? Should we just round up all the “bad guys” and put them in jail or should we try to understand what is happening in the bigger picture and address the real problems? Comment below.

Gangland Chicago

Chicago has suffered another horrible weekend of what are most likely gang related shootings. 36 people were shot over the course of one single weekend. I don’t know what the numbers were in the 20’s and 30’s when the mafia was running Chicago but I don’t imagine it was any worse than this.

What drives this kind of violence? The police and others want to blame the guns for the problems. I’m reminded of the movie West Side Story when I hear that. They didn’t need guns to kill people. Maybe fewer people get killed, but killing still happens. Blaming the guns doesn’t really get to the heart of the matter. When we understand the Cycle of Egocentrism we can begin to see how the horrors of this kind of violence are triggered.

Gangs and the Cycle of Egocentrism

Gangs are the epitome of the Cycle of Egocentrism at work. Someone at some point felt damaged by someone else in a different gang, heck, maybe that is what started the gang in the first place. Maybe someone’s friend was insulted, hurt, or killed by someone (thereby becoming a Victim) and the friend gathered up a bunch of their mutual friends and became a gang (then becoming a group of Self-Protectors). Now they target this other person (another Victim), who in turn gathers up his friends and they became a gang (another group of Self-Protectors). The blame game ensues and all that results is pain and death.

The Cycle and us

How many times in our lives have we become stuck in the Victim/Self-Protector cycle of blame? I know when I got divorced (both times) I was convinced the guy was horrible. I made up all kinds of good reasons that my friends agreed with about how awful they were. And, yes, their behaviors were awful. My friends and I judged them as being to blame for everything that happened in my relationship and I could see no complicity on my part. He was the one that was screwing around, after all. He was the one with the temper. He was the one behaving irresponsibly. I never saw that I owned as much responsibility for what occurred in our relationship as my husbands. I was trapped in the blame game just as surely as those gang members.

The growing divorce rate

The Cycle of Egocentrism explains the growing divorce rate better than any thing else. When we get caught up in a Cycle of Egocentrism we believe we are the Victim, and our spouse is the Self-Protector/Perpetrator. Our only choice is to look for Rescue. A Lawyer makes a good Rescuer. The lawyer starts handing out harsh complaints against our spouse and we feel much better. Of course, then we become the Self-Protector/Perpetrator don’t we? Our spouse then gets so hurt and angry, and they lash back with their own Lawyer. Breaking that cycle is the only way to really change everything.

How are you engaged in the Cycle of Egocentrism?

Have you ever found yourself stuck in blame and battling for survival? If you are or have been caught up in the drama, I’d love to hear how your story turned out. Comment below.

Pope Benedict XVI Steps Up

In a landmark event Pope Benedict XVI met with several survivors of sexual abuse by Catholic Priests. Over 4,000 people have sued the church for their part in allowing the perpetuation of abuse by priests throughout the world. The church has paid out more than $2 billion in damages to survivors and many dioceses are in bankruptcy as a result of the suits. The sexual perpetration of children put in the care of the church has been a travesty that no amount of money can begin to repay. Raping children, in Louisiana, is now being considered as a crime punishable by death.

The Cycle of Egocentrism

Most victims of such abuse are rightfully angry at what was done to them, and considered the church a part of the abuse because of their negligence in removing known offenders from priesthood. The church became the target of their anger and their blame. The church became the “bad guy” in their drama just as surely as the offending priests themselves.

The Cycle of Compassion

But as of Thursday, April 17^th , 2008, the Catholic Church began the process of taking ownership of the horror the church condoned by it’s neglect over the course of history.

Over the course of the past ten years of victims of the pedophile priests coming out into the public with their stories the church has denied their part in the abuse. Church officials have either turned their heads away or flat out denied any responsibility in these crimes. The self-protective stance of the church led these now adult victims of this horror to attack back by suing the church, thereby becoming self-protectors themselves.

Owning Up

Pope Benedict XVI took the historic step to meet with a few of the victims to begin the process of owning up to what the church has failed to own up to in the past. By apologizing to the victims of the abuse, the Pope has demonstrated the practice of compassion in his papacy.

The Practice of Compassion Changes Everything

When we begin to practice compassion by taking ownership of our part in a wrong we are not taking the blame for what has occurred, we are simply stating that we are responsible for our part in it. This is what the Pope did last week.

By allowing those few victims to face the person who is now, ultimately, responsible for the actions of the entire Catholic church, Pope Benedict XVI has chosen to move out of the dark ages of egocentrism and into compassion thereby changing one of the patterns long ago established by the church. That changes everything for the now adult survivors of the churches negligence.

Have you been affected by a pedophile priest?

Do you have a history that you would like to tell here? Has someone you love been affected? I’d love to hear from you. Comment below.

Cycles of Dysfunction

One of the biggest stories in Texas for the past couple of weeks has been the story about the “Fundamentalist” branch of Mormons who lived on a 700 acre compound in south Texas while practicing their beliefs of polygamy as a valid, spiritual practice allowing all members to experience closeness to God through their patience. This practice has as a centerpiece of its practices the pre-arrangement of marriages of older men (40-50 years old) to girls when they turn 13. The girls are then supposed to become one of their husbands many wives and bear children from which other men will choose their future 13-year-old wife.

Twisted Faith

The members of this sect are loyal Christians believing in the Book of Mormon from some “fundamental” perspective that ordains their behaviors as sacred. All of the children are brought up in this system, and as a part of this system are indoctrinated into believing that they are doing what is right and spiritual, including the males. It’s easy to think of this sect as a group of perverted individuals who prey on young girls and subjugate the women into sexual slavery, because, by our standards and beliefs, that is exactly what is occurring in fact.

Perpetrators?

Of course, this is how the legal system addresses this issue as well, treating the men as wicked perpetrators preying on innocent young girls. We love to look at things in black and white terms in our world, and our legal system is organized to support a clear-cut right and wrong view of the world.

Is legal perpetration any better?

But what if we could step back from the Victim-Perpetrator-Rescuer mentality long enough to consider the wholeness of what has occurred. The practice of polygamy in the name of religion is at least as old as our country. Generations of children have been brought up believing in this practice as a part of their spirituality and taught, through this twisted view of Christianity, that it is the right and proper actions for all involved. Members of the religion believe it is their right to have the most basic of our US Constitutional rights, to practice their faith as they see fit.

In fact, other religions have been honored in their spiritual practices and given rights to do things that would otherwise be considered illegal. Native Americans are allowed to gather and possess Peyote (a psychosis-inducing plant that is classified as an illegal drug). Other religions have allowed the mutilation of children for thousands of years and it is practiced as an accepted part of our culture without question from authorities: circumcisions of male infants.

What is so different about what this sect is doing? Forcing sexual intercourse on anyone, married or not, 13 or not, is rape. But I also think its atrocious to cut on the genitals of infants…

Where is our line?

We must look at the rights of children and certainly forcing them in to marriage and sex at 13 is wrong, but the entire sect believed this to be an honorable spiritual practice, even the men. Their cult, along with all others, is base on a the Cycle of Egocentrism and can only be positively addressed by using the Cycle of Compassion.
We become the perpetrator

Law enforcement swoops down and grabs up over 400 children, many of who are already mothers themselves, and sent them off to overcrowded facilities with caregivers from an entirely different world. This traumatized the children even further and certainly did nothing to help them perceive this new world in which they found themselves seem safe or inviting. So in trying to rescue these children our community becomes the perpetrator, harming them even further. The people they love are now being seen as criminals and the children, then put in a place to want to protect the only family they know, and in spite of what may have happened to them, they want to “rescue” the people we perceive of as their perpetrators.

What is right?

In the “cycle of egocentrism”, which involves viewing the cult members as “evildoers” and criminals, from whom their victims need rescuing we remain caught up in a system of pain and misery. What if we could see these people as wounded individuals who need our help in discovering more productive ways to live with each other and in the world? What if we had some empathy for their worldview and, while taking ownership of protecting the children, and gave them respect for the fact that each of them was doing what they believed to be correct (no matter how ill conceived)? Wouldn’t that change everything?

What do you think?

Whether you understand the bizarre practices of this South Texas cult, you certainly have some opinions about both the cult and our response to it. Let me know what you think.

Comment below. Use the security key – I’ve been being spammed lately…

No innocents killed?

Al Qaeda “doesn’t kill innocents” according to it’s second in command Ayman al-Zawahiri. He made his remarks in response to questions solicited on a Web site close to al Qaeda. Typical.

Typical Self-Protectors

Typical Self-Protectors blame their victims for their behaviors. A Self-Protector believes the person they are attacking is to blame for their misery. They cannot see the person they are attacking as innocent. They fail to see any other perspective, they twist reality to suit their own survival needs.

Bullies do that, too, don’t they? They convince themselves that the miserable little person they are beating up on has more power than they do. They pick on the person they perceive as smarter, more able than they in some way. Bullies decide that the person they are attacking deserves what they do to them.

Attacking and blame

When we find ourselves in a position of attacking someone else, we have lost our perspective on what is really taking place. Blame does that, it throws us into a distorted view of ourselves and our world.

When we blame and attack we lose sight of the other person entirely, we only see the world through our own, egocentric, position. We are hurting so we look for someone to blame for our hurt.

Look at the circumstances

When we fail to look at the circumstances that lead to the wound we are experiencing we loose contact with reality. But our brain response is that it doesn’t matter, we just need someone to lay the blame on so that we can protect ourselves.

Understanding that a man beating his wife feels a desperate need to get control can help us prevent it from happening in the future. Blaming him for his helplessness and throwing him into jail or paying fines doesn’t help us discover the underlying cause of his misery and subsequent reaction to that misery. Yes, of course, he is responsible for his behavior, but simply viewing his behavior absent understanding of the context shortchanges everyone, including the victim. How many times do victims return to their abuser? If we unravel the tangled web of what each party is experiencing and move into a different paradigm for understanding the patters, it changes everything.

What the world needs

This is what we need to do on a world scale, as well as a personal one. When we fail to uncover the intricacies of what is really happening when someone is attacking another, we fail to respond in a way that can prevent future conflict.

Is understanding the cause of something the same as blame?

What do you think? When we look for a reason something occurred, as reasonable people will do, is this the same as blame? Or is blame something else? Let me know what you think, comment below.

Eliot Spitzer’s Choices

Ashley Alexandra Dupre is only now 22. Overnight she has become as famous as Monica Lewinski, but much prettier and less seedy. Her now media frenzied experience with former governor Eliot Spitzer has gained her worldwide attention and undoubtedly removed her from ever having to touch another man for money.

Good guys and bad guys

We love good guys and bad guys don’t we? Is Eliot Spitzer a bad guy because he solicited sex from a young beauty? His wife is probably pretty upset, but why the rest of us should care what he did in the privacy of his own home in a situation of consensual sex is beyond my comprehension. I can even understand why those who voted for him based on his professed morals might be angry with him; but did he do anything to betray his trust as governor? Did he do anything as awful as have sex with someone he had authority over (like a intern)? No. He didn’t and he didn’t lie about it. He didn’t take state funds to do it. I don’t see how this makes him culpable. Oh, except that it is against the law to solicit sex. Wait, he didn’t solicit; he bought. I guess that’s illegal, too.

But for the life of me I don’t understand why.

The results of abuse

Ms Dupre is neither a victim nor the perpetrator in this scandal. She was doing her job. Now, personally, I believe anyone participating in this profession has an untreated condition. She even admits this is the case, so in some ways, she is a victim. She was, at least, as a child. When she was (if you believe her, and I do) molested as a child. From my experience, her later vocations are consistent with those of someone who is an untreated survivor of childhood sexual abuse.

Unfortunately, when things come out in the media as they often do, it looks like she is using this as an excuse. Though I have not heard anything to say that she feels she needs one. She is happy with who she is, she says, and has no shame about her behavior. I don’t think this is likely to be 100% true, but only time will tell.

Dr. Laura’s take

Then of course, Dr. Laura blamed Eliot Spitzer’s wife for the problem, saying that if she had been taking care of him at home this wouldn’t have happened. Everyone has someone they blame. The public blames Eliot Spitzer himself, though undoubtedly there are plenty that blame Ms Dupre as well. Blame doesn’t really explain what happened or provide us with understanding of the events. All blame does is incite people to take action against the perceived object of it’s focus. We blame Eliot Spitzer so we force him to resign and throw legal charges at him. We blame Ms Dupre and she faces charges herself. Oh, but then we have to blame Mrs. Spitzer, too. The public feels satisfied that all is right with the world.

Underlying dynamics

Taking a closer look at the dynamics underlying the triangle expose a different picture. Like many fundamentalist Christian’s (and politicians) he is forced into a box. If he is unhappy in his marriage he cannot act in his own best interest if he is to maintain his standing in the Christian community or in the public eye. Divorce marks you as a failure. What if you are not getting your intimacy needs met? What are your options? Hiring an escort seems less appalling than soliciting from a bathroom stall. But either way you have more of a chance of getting what you need than if you do nothing.

I don’t believe Mrs. Spitzer is to blame for what her husband chose to do. But I do believe she had some responsibility in it, the same as any woman whose husband strays. Their marital relationship was missing something. I’m not saying that is her fault; any more than it is his. I am saying that they both had equal responsibility in seeing to I that those issues are addressed.

But of course if you are supposed to be flawless (as a person in the public eye is believed to have to be) that makes it difficult to receive the help you need doesn’t it?

Ms Dupre’s only complicity is that she found a way to use the value she was taught she had as a child. Her perpetrator (whoever that was) taught that her value was as a sexual object. She enjoyed feeling special and valuable to men because she never really got a sense that she was the brilliant beautiful person she is because of her abuse. She chose to stay in the Victim role instead of getting help. Look at her hand, thee is an "X" mark on it. That's gang sign. It means she has been involved in someone's death. The girl has not had an easy life and the "Escort" service was undoubtedly the best thing that ever happened to her.

Compassion changes everything

It changes everything when you stop looking for blame and look for a compassionate answer to what happens. Discovering compassion as an alternative to the punitive response our media feeds on allows us to create a whole new way of looking at the world.

What do you think?

Is Eliot Spitzer a vile betrayer of our trust who should be punished or something else? Comment below.

Giving?

Over the past year I have been listening to a lot of people talk about the need for giving as a spiritual path. Authors are writing books, conducting lectures, even hosting radio shows. Oprah has introduced "The Big Give" game show where earnest competitors strive to be the one to give the most in a few days time.

Of course the injunction to give is not new by any stretch. For generations churches have implored us to give money and time to build the church and the churches services. For generations we have given, we have built churches and we have built foundations, charities, and funds to help those less fortunate.

And of course, Zig Zigler, who is now 81 years young has been saying “You can get everything in life you want if you will just help enough other people get what they want.” since 1984. He's right, of course, because helping others builds trust and establishes ourselves as having value to the other person. When we have value to others we are more likely to get what we want.

What is Giving really about?

Helping others and giving to others feels good and ultimately lifts us out of our shame. It allows us to feel worthy and others appreciate us.

Of course, if we don't give, we are subtly (sometimes not so subtly) told we are takers and should be ashamed of ourselves. This shame hooks into an old sense of shame that we may have carried with us since childhood. So we give because we don't want to feel that shame. Then we give again because giving just lifts us temporarily out of the shame, it doesn't fix it. The cycle of feeling shame then giving then feeling shame and then giving never ends.

People who preach "Giving"

What I am tired of us people who preach giving and are takers themselves. Typically, this is the "preacher" who takes money for prayers that he never sees and lives in a multi-million dollar mansion. It's typical of "socialites" who raise money for charities and pay for their designer clothes with the funds they collect.

The hypocrisy of it irks me, but I do have compassion for them. I know they are doing the best they can, because they themselves feel horrid about themselves. The only way their feel their lives have merit is if they obtain the financial and social status other's "giving" does for them. That really is very sad.

Oprah's Giving

We all love how much Oprah gives and we admire her delightfully refreshing attitude of giving that so few billionaires express. I love so much about her, but I also see her gaining weight again. She has expressed a knowledge that this is emotional and about her having not gotten to a place of self love. What I know is that if we are not fully in a place of self love then we are in the Victim place. Being in the Victim place means feeling shame and powerless, going into a Rescuer mode and giving to others can relieve that pain for a while. Of course, Oprah has so much money and so many resources she could spend the rest of her days giving, most of us would like to see that continue. Personally, I wish for her that she could look at what motivates her giving and deal with the unwarranted shame that is undoubtedly underneath.

Irony.

One of the ironies in all this clap trap about "giving" is the idea I have often heard preached that we Americans are "all about me" and "materialistic". Yet there is no other country that gives so much per capita as the United States. We give through our budget to provide foreign aid, we give through our churches, our corporations give, our foundations give, and individually we give more than any other nation in the world. Yet I continually hear about how focused we are on ourselves. We are a nation of Rescuer's in fact.

Does giving have to come from shame?

What if we got out of our shame and gave from an entirely different place? What would that look like? I don't think those slimy preachers would live so high on the hog. I think more money would actually go to helping people. We'd spend less time focusing on getting more for ourselves, too, because we would not feel the need to prove our value.Now that really does change everything.

Are you a Giver? Why?

I'd love to hear your thoughts about this pet peeve of mine. It is not fashionable right now to question this new "giving movement." But it's not the giving I have an issue with, it's why we do it, and who do we think we are judging those who don't choose to give as being "less than"? Shame builds upon shame when we do this to others. Its shame we don't deserve. Comment below.

As a note:

I give more than 30% of my fees to clients who cannot afford to pay their full fee. I don't give a lot to "charities" and I don't spend a lot of time wondering if I should give more. I give to these clients because it makes me feel good to see them get better. I have a lot more to say about the "giving movement" so check in later for more.

Wohooo~ The Texas primaries actually matter!

Texas primaries don't normally count. This year we may very well determine who our next president will become. I've lived in Texas for more than 20 years, it's nice to feel a part of the election this time. And, wow, what an election.

Clinton or Obama?

Mixed feelings abound in my heart about both candidates. Clinton. Even the name brings back memories of "the good old days". We were at peace, our economy was booming and the future looked bright. Okay, well, there were some moral issues but lots of great presidents had them. Oh, wait, we're not talking about Bill are we? Hilary is the first viable woman candidate this country has ever seen. I love that idea. She is not the "motherly" type, but that's not what we need is it? We need someone tough enough to stand for what they believe yet capable of compromising to get things done. Ms Clinton has not really had that kind of reputation, but in this campaign she has done a good job convincing the public she is a "kinder gentler" version of herself. Mainly, I want someone tough enough to stand up to the credit card industry and change the legal loan sharking that is eroding our economy from the bottom up.

Obama. Okay, I'm like everyone else it has taken me the entire campaign to be able to say his name. I absolutely love the idea of a mixed race person in office, and he is a charming, handsome "Kennedy-ish" kind of man, with a "Jackie-O" type of wife. They could return us to Camolot. The image they present, and the knocking down of racial barriers he represents, are so appealing. But does this man have the experience, the world-stage knowledge to restore America's role as leaders of the free world? I hope so since it looks to me like he just might win, but I am not entirely certain. His position on the credit card rates is that it would hurt poor people to not be able to receive loans they can't possibly pay back. The short sightedness of that position scares me. What if he is that short sighted on other issues?

Change is here

Change is clearly in the works. Whoever we choose, the next 4 to 8 years will be a shift from our past, thankfully. I am grateful that we have the power of these two amazing candidates to choose from, frankly, I will be ecstatic to see either of them in office. My dismay at the blunders of our current administration has built from year to year. Of course, there are no guarantee's that Obama or Ms Clinton will do any better, but I can't imagine they could do any worse.

Rescuer's, perpetrators and victims

When we look to our president to rescue us from the disasters of the last presidency's mistakes, we are setting ourselves up for disappointment. But it is what we tend to do. Our instincts are to look for someone to rescue us. We feel a victim of the last President's failures and we want desperately for someone to swoop down and change everything. We want our troops home; we want peace in Iraq; we want our economy restored; we want our housing market improved; we want national health care. Can one administration do all this for us? That is our fantasy and if they don't live up to what we expect of them they, too will fall from grace as far as our current administration (perhaps). We will see the new president as the "perpetrator" and ourselves, once more, as the victim of their choices.

Taking ownership

Of course our ability to elect our own leader every four years gives us some ownership of our government, which is what makes our country strong. Each of us owning some sense of responsibility whether we vote or not, keeps us from being inextricably stuck in the Victim role. That changes everything doesn't it?

GET OUT AND VOTE

Whatever we do, when we go out to the polls and vote tomorrow (in Texas) we are asserting our ownership of our government and the process of freedom. If we fail to do that in our national and local elections, we are putting ourselves in the Victim role. By not taking ownership of our part in our lives and in our wold, we are choosing to remain stuck and powerless. Personally, that's something I can't tolerate for myself any more.

What about you?

Are you going to vote tomorrow? Are you going to be a part of this historical election? Are the election results going to matter to you? Sometimes our lives are so out of control personally that what is happening in the world makes little impact on us. Let me know where you are at and if the election results in Texas matter to you or not. I'd love to hear about it. Comment below.