This is Great Sex! - Drug abuse

SexAHolics and Sex Addiction

Tue, 17 Mar 2009 22:12:14 GMT

Sexaholics and sex addicts, I'm not really sure if there is a difference. Wanting to have lots of sex seems perfectly OK to me. It's a lot of fun, it feels good, and it provides an intimate and joyful escape from the world. But when we use it to escape from life all of the time then we have the makings of a classic destructive addiction.

It really is tempting when the world is closing in and you just don't know how you can keep on keeping on. Escape into something! Drugs, alcohol, sex. At least if the sex is with your partner it's safe and harmless. Like all addictions, sexual addictions jump from being harmless diversion to a problem when we choose them over living.

The driver in addictive behavior is a fear of pain. Mounting fear amplifies the pain to the point we just can't go there. We find something to occupy our minds and drugs and sex do a fine job of this. Until we can regain control of our fear driven imagination, it is unlikely we will ever overcome the lure of escape. After all, we are human!

This kind of fear is natural and normal. Giving in to it is destructive and painful. It takes the help of a trusted companion to change this perception. First they have to gain your trust. You have to believe they won't hurt you and they absolutely be there to help you when you hurt anyway. That's a tall order and much easier to do in the context of an existing relationship.

Learning you really aren't alone is the first step in regaining some perspective. The pain isn't as big as you thought it was. With a clearer perspective about what you need (instead of the unreasonable expectations we only imagine other people have for us) and what really matters you may find there really isn't much discomfort at all. That new perspective and your assured companion really does change everything.

The real key is controlling your panic. As you will learn in the Great Sex Online Seminar, our primitive brain is so fast at making decisions (bad ones!) that we go into panic before we have a chance to think rationally about anything. Working with the cycles, you can learn to see other's differently. Even more powerful, you will see yourself differently and begin to have sex because you enjoy it, not because you need to hide.

Scientists Confirm Runner's High

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 15:18:53 GMT

Runner’s high no surprise to me

Many afternoons when I was at the gym I watched a young girl run around the track multiple times, then quickly move through rotations on all the weight equipment and then repeat the process. She looked like an addict in pursuit of a high. Now in a CNN article, it seems scientists have confirmed her experience as real.

I know most people who use exercise and run do so to be healthy, there are and always will be, those who have found what they consider to be a “positive addiction”. William Glasser wrote a book of that title back in the ‘70’s.

But anything that is used addictively is used to avoid something. If you are using running, work, exercise, sex, food, drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, shopping, television, or anything else to “lift your mood” in an addictive way you are an addict.

The addictive process

What happens to us is that when we are hurting we think we can’t tolerate it. For whatever reasons, our upbringing or our fear, prevents us from realizing that pain is temporary and we think we have to stop it or we will feel this way forever. We feel like a Victim of something that is torturing us and we look for some way to Rescue ourselves from that pain. Of course, it doesn’t matter what that thing is that removes the pain for us, over time, that thing will end up hurting us. Therefore, we are in pain again, and because we are in pain and can’t see a way out, we once again look for something to medicate it. The process repeats itself over and over again.

Looking for Rescue

When we are in pain and someone offers us a way out, we generally will take it. This is part of my frustration with locking up drug addicts. These people are in pain and desperate for a way out. I recall the case of Karla Faye Tucker, a woman put to death in Texas in 1998. Karla was the daughter of a prostitute drug addict. Her mother had started her on drugs as a young girl and she had, like her mother, learned to use them to keep her pain at bay. When Karla was arrested for her part in a pick-ax murder, she had never been sober that she could recall. Once she was in jail she learned to manage her pain without drugs and became a model prisoner, helping other prisoners deal with life on the inside. The little girl who never knew any other way than drugs to deal with her life until she was in prison was put to death.

The importance of understanding the addiction cycle

In Texas alone (2005) the total of inmates serving time for possession of less than a gram is s: 4,846. The annual cost of incarceration is more than $12,000 per inmate — $59 million a year! The average time spent in prison for possession is 35 months. Then of course, having been convicted of a felon, they are unable to get an apartment, often unable to find work, and forced into a life of crime just to eat and find a way to live. All that money and time served for having possessed less than a gram of an illegal substance.

Now, of course, those of us who choose less illegal forms of addiction can rest on our laurels feeling confident that we are okay. But in fact we are no different than they are; we just chose a different way to manage our pain. Smarter perhaps, but not better for us in the long run. Running to avoid our pain does not make our lives any better than using cocaine to avoid it.

Why is pain so hard to face

Pain is hard to face for many reasons. Our bodies’ recoil at the idea of pain instinctively don’t they? We may have never seen anyone go through it and on a primitive level fear that it will kill us or make us insane. We may have been conditioned out of allowing the feelings up by parents or coaches or a society that tells us pain is bad and wrong. We may have been beaten out of our feelings. There are good reasons for us to carry this false belief about pain.

But all of us can learn to manage pain differently with patience and a lot of care and support from the people who love us. When we learn to do this, it changes everything. We can release the pain, and let ourselves feel not only pain, but joy.

You see, when you block pain, you block all the other feelings, too. Sure, you may have some feelings of enjoyment in your life if you are person who blocks your pain. But to have an experience of being fully alive and feel real joy and pleasure in being alive, you have to let yourself process through whatever pain you are Rescuing yourself from using whatever form of medication you prefer.

What is your addiction?

Do you have an addiction you prefer? Do you think its okay and positive? Or have you experienced the pain and found the pleasure of being alive? Tell me about it. Comment below.

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Pharmaceuticals Polluting Our Water? By Melody Brooke, Author, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Mon, 10 Mar 2008 15:03:00 GMT

Drugs in our Drinking Water?

The big report today is about the trace amounts of pharmaceuticals found in our drinking water. Wow, this is a huge thing. Now, we don't know, of course, because we don't have long term studies, what the result of this will be on our bodies over time. Perhaps the effects will be negligible. But what if that is the explanation for the increased number of people with multiple chemical sensitivities?

Children are of course the most susceptible to small amounts of drugs. Their little bodies can be very sensitive to even small amounts of medications. But even adults can be highly reactive to particular medications. Myself, I have reactions to things that other people don't.

What does this mean?

Well, personally, I've been drinking only distilled bottled water for years. I even cook in it. Yet, in fact, do I know that the pharmaceuticals have been removed from them? No, of course I don't! Filtration systems are not set to filter out drugs, only impurities.

What is the real source of this?

In my own, very biased opinion, this problem is a direct result of our over medicated culture. We look to drugs as our cultural "Rescuer". Our Doctors are of course our ultimate "Rescuer", but only if the Doctor prescribes a medication for us. Ever been to the doctor's office and he didn't prescribe something for you. You sort of feel like you've been ripped off don't you?

In our culture we tend to focus on what can get us our of our pain as quickly as possible. Drugs are our "Rescuer" to get us out of our pain. The number of people on anti-depressants is scary. Yet, there have been multiple studies done proving that other response to depression work as well or better with long lasting results that outlast the treatments, unlike drugs.

Psychotherapy, massage, and exercise are but a few of the interventions research has found to be as effective or more effective than medications. Yet we want the quick fix don't we? We want something to "Rescue" us from our pain.

A friend of mine started therapy years ago with, well, my own therapist. My friend began to tap into tremendous amounts of grief that he just couldn't let himself process. His pain turned into a clogged up sinus. The infection got so bad his face was swollen like a Neanderthal. I've never seen anything like it. But rather than let himself process his grief, he got on antibiotics and cursed his therapist. He never did process the pain, choosing instead to use gambling to medicate his grief.

What is our alternative?

Our bodies and our spirit knows we need to process the feelings buried inside us. If we don't it results in all kinds of physical and emotional illness. I'm not alone in making this wide-sweeping statement. Depok Chopra, Marianne Williamson, Bernie Segal - just to name a few other brilliant observers- all conclude the same thing.

Rescuing is not a viable option

When we seek rescue from our pain we block ourselves from full wellness. We set ourselves up for other ailments and difficulties. Running from the pain only exacerbates it. Staying tuned in to the pain wont kill you. I promise you it won't. Avoiding it may.

Avoiding pain at all costs

Having worked with clients suffering from tremendous pain over the years I've never seen the pain kill someone. I have, however, seen avoiding the pain kill people. Keeping the pain locked in at all costs sets our bodies up for failure. Plus, of course, there are those who would choose suicide rather than feel the feelings. I don't really blame them, it is often really difficult to let ourselves process the backlog of pain.

But I do grieve for them. The pain is temporary. It really is. Once we allow the free flow of our emotions the emotions pass. Emotions are really "energy in motion" (at least that is what I was taught). When the energy is allowed to flow on through us, then it's out and over with. But we fear the process and we block it.

The sad part is that once the pain has washed through us we are then able to freely allow in the other feelings; joy, spontaneity, love, playfulness, compassion. That really does change everything.

Are you able to let yourself process pain?

Some of you, I'm sure, think this is nonsense. Please feel free to let me know what you think. I'm sure some of you have found drugs to be your answer to prayer. I have, certainly, at times. Let me know what you think. Comment below.

England's Child Abuse Horror by Melody Brooke, Author, Conflict Coach

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Tue, 04 Mar 2008 15:10:48 GMT

Horror's in Jersey, England

Since 1867 there has been a children's home in England reported to have been a haven for pedophiles and a hell for children. Over a hundred years of it's history at least some of that time children were raped, tortured and beaten. Many of the survivors are still alive today and report the after effects of living with that kind of trauma. Some did not survive and ended up killing themselves. They have found evidence of murders as well as torture and sexual abuse.

These are the stories of real live human beings, who as innocent children suffered things no one should have to endure. There are stories of these things happening all over the world, at various times and places, and seldom are they verified in the end. It is a rare thing for the evidence to be coming out in such a way as to actually validate the survivors reports.

Does this happen in the U.S.?

In the US we tend to find ways to sweep the incidents under the rug, so to speak. Most of the time when there is a report of systemized abuse of children the report is in the news with much sensationalism. The facts seem irrevocable. Then, over time the facts, the evidence slowly erode into nothing. The evidence disappears, the witnesses suddenly become unavailable for comment or retract their earlier statements. The False Memory people are smug.

The results

Then the adults show up in therapy suffering from PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), depression, suicidality, extreme anxiety, drug and alcohol abuse, DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder), obsessive compulsive disorder, borderline personality disorder, self-abuse, and psychotic breaks. Some therapists don't believe their stories and the sufferer feels like a "liar". Some are put on anti-psychotics and treated as if they were Scizophrenic. Some are put on Lithium and treated for Bipolar Disorder. A rare few get taken seriously and treated for their pain.

Survivor -ism

During the '90's there was a huge wave of sexual abuse survivors coming out and confronting their parents and other perpetrators in the media and in courtrooms. Their justifiable rage aimed at their perpetrators resulted in accusations, charges being filed, and arrests being made. The "bad guys" were called on the carpet and an adversarial situation, fed by the media, was perpetuated. This began a backlash resulting in the organization of The False Memory Syndrome Foundation. The accused took back their power by organizing, hiring lawyers and accusing the accusers of lying, and being manipulated into believing they were abused by "well meaning" therapists. Now, few people will dare risk coming out in the open to accuse their perpetrators.

Here is the rub.

People treat other people the way they were treated. When these things occur, and they do occur, it is because the abusers were themselves abused. Treating them as criminals instead of recognizing their wounding sets up an adversarial condition not conducive to healing.

After years of working with DID clients, I have come to the conclusion that most abuse happens in the form of a dissociative episode. The abusers own splitting creates more splitting in the effects of their abuse on the child they have abused. The abuse is then perpetuated on and on if no one ever recognizes what is happening.

Good-guys versus bad-guys

Putting the abusers in jail without treatment doesn't help the abused. They feel guilty because they know the person in jail is just like them. Now, I am not saying society doesn't need to be protected from people known to be abusers. But I am saying we must begin to treat them as wounded human beings deserving of our help.

Our cultural response to bad things happening is to find someone to blame. When we discover who is to blame, we punish them. This sets us up to live in a split world, one in which black and white never meet and the good-guys and bad-guys are well defined. Unfortunately this perpetuates the cycle of abuse and ignores reality.

It's not so simple

In reality we all have good parts of us and not so good parts of us. When we have been abused and deny it's reality, we have to split off this part of our awareness into a dissociated part of our brain. This part of us needs to heal so it pushes its way out in the form of repeating the trauma in some way or another. We either do it to others or put ourselves in situations where it will be done to us again.

Setting ourselves up as Victims or Perpetrators of the abuse allows us to continue to work out the trauma. It's our brain's attempt to heal. Unfortunately, without treatment, it also perpetuates the abuse cycle.

Staying stuck in the Victim/Perpetrator/Rescuer cycle prevents healing and sets us up for more trauma. Recognizing that we are all at once all of these things,and moving out of the adversarial positions of good-guy versus bad-guy gives us a chance to change and heal. This really changes everything./p>

Let me know what you think.

I know I've gone on longer than you were perhaps prepared to read. I know you must have some opinions. I'd love to hear them. Comment below.

Patty Hearst Wins at Westminster! by Melody Brooke, Conflict Coach, Speaker, Author

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Tue, 12 Feb 2008 15:51:30 GMT

You Go Girl!

Patty Hearst has had injustice done to her that was tragic. First by being kidnapped by terrorist organization (one that supposedly had ties to the religious cult 'Synanon"), then by a justice system that ignored her trauma. Fortunately President Carter, and then President Clinton released her from her sentence.

She was held, not just as a prisoner, but as a torture and brainwashing victim. They kept he in a closet, denied her food, drugged her, beat her and terrorized her. Then they began calling her a name they made up for her. Who knows what else they did to her. Eventually they managed to split her identity and she accepted the name and persona of "Tanya". At that point her torture and brainwashing stopped, but the very real threat of her going back into the closet was constant.

That any court could not see what had happened to her as being a psychological trauma over which she had no control, was handing out injustice.

Patty now

Today, it was announced that she was a won a top prize at the famous Westminster dog show with her little french bulldog. Its a long way from "Tanya". Patty has also acted in a number of productions from film to television in the past several years. Her life has obviously turned around since the horror. One can only assume she got the help she needed. Good for her.

The splitting that results from abuse

In my practice I have had clients whom grew up in this cult. Synanon practiced and got quit expert at mind control tactics. They are reported to have learned how to shock, beat, humiliate, isolate and rape its members into complete acquiescence to their ends. Their leader was a power crazed psychotic that was eventually murdered by a former cult member. Reportedly, hundreds, perhaps thousands of people were indoctrinated in this way by their bizarre and cruel tactics.

How was Patty identified to be used in this way?

Perhaps it was desire for funding from Randolph Hearst, perhaps it was merely opportune. We'll never know. But what my experience with it's victims has taught me is that they knew quite well how to psychologically split personalities and to use those split off parts to their own ends.

Patty was not their only victim, just the most notorious.

When children are subjected to traumatic, horrifying experiences their minds naturally reject what is happening to them. While the event is so horrific it cannot be fully denied, it can be rejected as theirs. The child looks at what is happening and says to themselves something like "Oh, look at that poor little kid over there. What an awful thing."

Surviving at any cost

This splitting themselves apart from the experience allows them to psychologically survive the event. Many of us have experienced a few events that we experienced as traumatic, and we split off the experience, but because we did not continue to experience repeated traumas of a similar kind, we did not form separate personalities to deal with it. We may have split it off if it was foreign enough, or outside of our known family history (say a child molested by a neighbor and the family never knew). Or, if the event was a part of our family history but no one ever talked about it (say a parent had a mental breakdown and became self abusive in front of the child, but then received treatment and it never happened again), we may have split off the experience. Other traumas like our parents beating all the kids and all the kids knew and talked about it might not be split off, unless it went beyond beatings into repeated torture.

Understanding how DID happens

Okay I'll bet you've had TMI at this point, (too much information). These are the stories of what happens to sufferers of Dissociative Identity Disorder. They have had a series of horrific events happen to them (of course sometimes it can develop from an overly imaginative child left alone too long). But I give you this information to help you understand how DID happens to most sufferers.

My heart goes out to Herschel Walker, and perhaps Britney Spears, who knows what they have been through, too.

We all have "parts"

While we don't all have DID, we do all have separate ego states that we go in to under certain circumstances. When we feel threatened, overwhelmed or out of control we will move into certain behavioral sets that dictate our behavior and our choices. If we are DID we simply split off into a different identity.

Making the choice to respond differently to those feelings is not always so easy. In our culture we are taught to medicate our pain and fear with whatever method we can find. Some of us choose drugs and alcohol, others food, sex, work or exercise. We become our own Rescuer, doing whatever we can to stop the fear and pain. Of course we end up being a Victim of our own attempts to stop it don't we? We hurt ourselves and the people around us when we do it. Yet it is a accepted part of our culture.

< But,we can change EVERYTHING when we do things differently.

How about you?

How do you handle it when you feel threatened, overwhelmed or out of control? Do you know anyone medicating their pain? Someone with apparently split off parts of themselves? Comment below and let me know what you think.

Heath Ledger's Tragic End by Melody Brooke, Speaker, Trainer, Author

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Sat, 09 Feb 2008 21:44:38 GMT

Heath's tragedy

One of the reasons I became interested in this story is that I saw Heath on the Tonight show with Jay Leno last year and could not believe how inarticulate this bright, talented man appeared. My first thought is that he was on some kind of drugs. No one is that laid back on the Tonight Show. But there was no other indication of his having problems obvious in the media. People I mentioned it to felt I was reading something in to his behavior that wasn't there.

The press now reports him having Cocaine problems and this being the reason for the failure of his relationship with Michelle Williams, the mother of his child. I don't know about the veracity of that report, but he had been seen hanging out with Lindsey Lohan (whom we KNOW had drug problems) and then of course, with Mary Olson. Other people, like Jake Gyllenhaal, who befriended Heath during the filming of Brokeback Mountain, are now agonizing over Heath's death, presumably because he did not intervene with Heath during the final months of the decline of his life.

Drugs and talent

The newly released toxicology reports determined Heath's having overdosed on sedatives. How this came to be is not clear. Heath was reportedly having trouble sleeping and had been rumored to have been struggling with having played the character of "The Joker" in Batman. His vivid portrayal of a psychopathic killer may have pushed him over the edge. Other rumors are about his having been seen partying heavily just prior to his death.

Heath clearly, whatever the cause, was in a lot of pain. Then he dealt with that pain using drugs of one sort or another. Whether he was a long term addict or a recent one due to recently prescribed medications; he was in trouble.

Being famous is no protection

Even people as remarkable and successful as Heath can find themselves battling demons of pain and anxiety and unable to cope. One would think that at that level you would have resources available to help you overcome them, and that there would be in his life concerned about him enough to have intervened. Yet this is not what appears to happen for so many talented people. Judy Garland, Elvis Presley, Janis Joplin, Brad Renfro, Charlie Sheen, Lindsey Lohan and the list goes on. Few of them get the help they need because, I fear, being so successful and famous blinds the people in their world. Regardless, it's obvious he was in a lot of pain and desperate to find a way out of it.

We all look for a way out don't we?

This is what happens to us isn't it? We have something in our live gives us pain and we are driven to find a way out of it. We feel like "the victim" of something that is causing us pain and we look for something to take us out of it. For many of us it's food, others it's alcohol, shopping, work, or drugs... as it appears to have been for Heath. We begin by trying to Rescue ourselves from being a Victim of our pain, and end up harming ourselves. This is how the cycle happens inside our psyche, inside fighting our own internal demons, whatever they are.

What if someone could begin teaching us how to manage the pain and to work our way through it rather than struggling with resisting the irresistible? Medicating our pain doesn't make it go away does it? It only postpones our awareness of it.

Our culture of pain avoidance

It's sad to think of someone as talented, charismatic and brilliant as Heath Ledger dealing with so much pain. And its even more painful to realize he was supported in this by doctors and "friends" encouraging this coping mechanism.

Avoiding pain does not make it go away. Facing our pain head on with support from those who love us is the only way through it. It's the human story isn't it? Perhaps this one thing could change everything in the world.

What is your coping mechanism?

Do you have demons you feel you have to cope with by medicating your way out of them? What is your "drug" of choice? Comment below, let me know what you think.

My Take on Britney Spears by Melody Brooke, MA, Author, Speaker, Relationship Coach

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 16:00:44 GMT

Britney Again

I know, like everyone, you are probably tired of hearing about this wayward prima-dona. But I can't resist talking about her again. I don't know what is going on with her care, but I seriously doubt anyone is giving her the king of care she really needs.

The Dark Defiant One

When you look at a phot like this one, you realized the girl has to be in a lot of pain. Look at her eyes. They are dark and defiant. What I see in those eyes is something I call a "Self Protector", a personality that is daring anyone to mess wit her. Then you see a photo like this one:

The Party Girl

This girl is something entirely different. This is a girl who is out to rescue herself from her pain. She is medicating the pain in the role of "Rescuer" to herself. She becomes the "party girl" to medicate the pain underneath.

Finally you just see her as the woeful waif underneath the pain.

The Innocent Waif

Seeing her in these three photos it's clear she has (at least) three separate ways of operating in the world. One as the defiant "Self Protector", second as the "Rescuer" "party girl", third as the "Victim" or injured waif.

Dissociative Identity Disorder?

Of course, we all have these inside us at different times don't we? Britney may be in a far more extreme display of these roles, she may be Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) as she has claimed (and I believe is fully possible). But the rest of us have these roles inside of us, too. We display these characteristics in smaller, more subtle ways, but they are there aren't they?

. Since 1996 I've studied DID from the likes of Dr. Collin Ross and Dr. Jerry Mungadze (he wrote the forward to Herschel Walker's book, "Breaking Free"). What I have learned is that while those suffering from DID have the clearly dissociated walls of alter egos, we all have the same type of separations with in us, as well. Oh, wow, this really changes everything doesn't it? When we see that the rest of us have these three separate ways of functioning in response to certain types of situations; it changes how we view ourselves and others. We just don't have it as distinctly separate as DID's do.

We are not so different

These separate ways of reacting to threat and fear are typical of how our automatic brain functions. Seeing them in Britney in these photos makes me feel even more strongly that she is DID, obviously I can't make that diagnosis since I have never met her, but boy, it sure looks like it from here.

Talk to me

What do you think? Is Britney suffering from DID? Is she just a spoiled brat? If you KNOW Britney personally, I'd particularly like your take. I know there are a lot of conflicting views on this young woman. I'd love to hear from you. Comment below.

Has Dr. Phil Gone Too Far?

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 16:19:41 GMT

Privacy and Boundaries

Now, if Britteny had asked for Dr. Phil's help, or if her family had asked him to intervene, that would be one thing, but barging in on her uninvited is purely rude. Personally, I am thrilled a pyschologist is involved, I am not so thrilled it's Dr. Phil. The poor girl needs real psychological help of a kind that, I am quite certain, is beyond Dr. Phil's skill set.

She Fits in My Expertise

In 1989, I went to work at a hospital where I helped troubled teens with all kinds of issues, from sexual abuse, familial allienation, and mental disorders to drug and alcohol addictions. Girls doing things outside of the media's eyes, that are very similar to Brittney.

Then, in 1996, I went to work at Charter Hospital of Dallas where I learned all about Dissociative Disorders and other Trauma related disorders. In 1997 I co-directed a Trauma unit at Timberlawn hospital.

I learned enough about Trauma and Dissociation to write a book. Life for someone traumatized results in pretty crazy-appearing behavior. Brittny Spears behavior falls right into the category of those who have been traumatized.

Prayers for Brittney

I pray for that girl. She needs someone with trauma experience to help her. My fear is that her family will get their way and take away her rights without giving her the help she desperately needs.

I was never a fan or cared much about her until all this started. Now my heart goes out to her. She has been used by her family and the media to sell magazines and make millions of dollars. She is lost little girl who needs help. Doesn't anyone see that?

Tell Me What You Think

What do you think? Do you think she is just as spoiled media star acting out for attention, or does she need real mental help?

Hiker's Murder? What about him?

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Mon, 14 Jan 2008 14:51:07 GMT

Gary Michael Hilton a "Monster"?

I don't know much about what happened to Gary Hilton, but aparently he was a reasonably well mannerd saleman for a siding company. He worked for his boss, John Taber for nearly 10 years. During that time Mr. Taber didn't see anything unusual about Hilton.

But then, something changed. Last summer Taber let Hilton go because his behavior had become eratic. Taber said that when Hilton contacted him just prior to setting up Hilton's arrest Hilton spoke of needing drugs desperately to keep the "demons" from filling his mind. Now, it seems Hilton is suspected in other cases as well.

How can you be "normal" for years and then become a "Monster"?

The hidden potential in seeing ourselves as a Victim in our life is that we will eventually decide enough is enough. When we choose the Victim role in our life we stay in a place of despair and misery. We tell ourselves that we are alone and feel put upon by the world. We believe ourselves to be worthless and yet angry that others treat us the way they do.

Living with this kind of self torture can send us in to a mental break down. Many peple, perhaps most who see themselves as the Victim, become depressed and lead miserable, sad lives. But then there is the occassioanal person who losses it altogether.

What Causes this Kind of Horror?

I think that would most likely describe Gary Michael Hilton. At some point he began trying to rescue himself from the "demons" that he carried around in his head of self torture, despair, self hatred, and an internal onslaught of self depricating thoughts. Drugs can work well to temporarily remove misery. We can get a false sense of bieng "okay" and feeling "well" when we use a variety of different drugs. This is exactly what makes them so appealing.

Unfortunately, these same drugs that Rescue us from misery, also become our downfall. They end up hurting us worse than the onslaught of "demons" in our brains. And, often, they end up making us even crazier and scarrier than we were.

As awful as the things that Gary Michael Hilton did, I don't think he is a "monster". I think he is a person who was in such tremendous pain that he did the only things he could figure out how to do to manage it. I can only imagine the kind of pain that man is in right now.

When we hate ourselves we end up believing there is nothing redeemable about anyone.

What do you think?

Do you think Gary Michael Hilton is a "monster", or is there more going on here? It's a sad story, espcially for Meredith Emerson and perhaps even Cheryl Dunlap, whose husband may also have been a victim of Gary Hilton. Hilton's life and any good he may have ever done prior to this nightmare are all lost now.