This is Great Sex!

Love's Awakening - A Poem

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Sat, 25 Apr 2009 05:41:16 GMT

We are all the same you and I
Living this life on this ball in the sky
The undead walking in silent pain
pretending there is no joy to gain

Without a trace of doubt we believe
The lies of the stories we weave
Blame sits like fire on our hearts
Tearing our souls apart

Blinded by the past
caught up in pain’s disguise
Love slips through our grasp
when hope has made it’s last gasp

There’s something you forgot
Lost at your first breath
Love’s secret tucked away
Inside the pain you keep at bay

The memory of who you are
The precious gift you were born to be
Lies deep inside the pain within
It’s where loves awakening begins

by Melody Brooke, April 24, 2009

Women Perpetrators? Is it a far fetched Idea?

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 20:20:12 GMT

ABC Online's SCOTT MICHELS, SARAH NETTER, LAURA MARQUEZ and SABINA GHEBREMEDHIN seem to think the idea of a woman being a sexual perpetrator is far fetched. Do you? I suspect most people find the idea rather rediculous. In our culture women are, as Michels, Netter, Marquez and Ghebremdhin suggest, seen as nurturers and not violent or sexual perpetrators.

Throughout the article, Why Do Some Women Kill, they search for explanations as to why a woman could possibly become so strangely perverse as to do what Melissa Huckaby, a Sunday school teacher and the mother apparently did, which was to rape and kill one of her daughter's friends. The authors of this article propose that maybe she is just covering up for her daughter having accidentally killed the girl, or maybe she just got carried away in the interrogation and said things that are not true. Whether or not Ms Huckaby is guilty of the crimes, it is obvious from this incident that most of us will go to extraordinary lengths to rationalize that a woman could not possibly do what Ms Huckaby admitted to having done.

It’s ironic, too, because just today I read on UPI about a woman in Russia capturing a man trying to rob her beauty salon. Seems she tied him up with a hair dryer cord, fed him Viagra and forced him to have sex with her for two days until she was apprehended and charged with rape.

Both articles are evidence that women are indeed capable of doing things sexually perverted and acting as perpetrators of sexual abuse. Does this shake up your belief system? I know it does for a lot of people.

The idea that women could do such horrendous acts was beyond my own belief until I began working with sexual abuse survivors more than 20 years ago. Slowly but surely I began to accept the truth of what my clients were telling me. In spite of what statistics will show us, I have every reason to believe that women perpetrate as much violence and sexual abuse on their children as do men.

I know it’s a radical statement to make and statistics being what they are, will not back me up. But statistics rely on one important measure: self-report or outright evidence. In my experience the victims of female perpetrated crimes will not admit to having been perpetrated by a woman for lots of socially understandable reasons. In our culture, as the ABC article states are thought of as being the "nurturer" and to accept, even for ourselves, that what our mothers, sisters, aunts, and grandmothers did to us was abusive flies in the face of our most sacred beliefs about woman's role in society. This is also why, even when a victim risks ridicule, rejection and dismissal to tell someone of their abuse by a woman, they are exponentially less likely to be believed.

Until we can begin to look at what I firmly believe to be absolute truth, that women are as guilty of sexual, physical and verbal abuse and violence as are men, the cycle of abuse and violence that plagues our world will never be eradiated.

What do you think? Has a woman in your life ever beaten, hit, screamed at, emotionally, verbally, or sexually abused you in any way? Do you think it's impossible? Improbable? Comment below. This is an incredibly important topic.

Great Sex After 40

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 19:51:24 GMT

Susan Moran, of Natural Solutions wrote a great article on reigniting your sex life after 40. She talked about the problem of hormones and depression, and the many health benefits of a healthy sex life. She even delved into the fascinating topic of Tantra (something I really want to explore).

Sex at any age can be enhanced by the tips in this article, no doubt about it. That is, as long as you are emotionally connected with your partner. There are thousands of books and as many websites about sex. All of them enumerate in one form or another the many differing tecniques to have more and better sex.

But as Mike and I always say, the truth is, if your partner wants you, then technique will take care of itself. I was married twice before, both reasonably good lovers (perhaps even greater than the norm) but I did not want sex with them much. One could ask, if you have a good (even better then the norm) lover, why wouldn't you want to have sex as often as possible?

My answer of course is that my desire to have sex with my husband depends entirely on my emotional connection. Now, I know many men claim that it makes no difference if they are emotionally connected or not, sex is sex. While this may be true more often for men than for women, the truth is sex can only be really great if that emotional connection is there.

Unfortunately, there is a ton of information about about technique and very little about the emotional aspects of sexual connection. Yet, it is the thing that makes me want to have sex with my husband any time he wants it and initiate it frequently myself, something I rarely did before.

What Women Want

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 15:17:45 GMT

Female sex therapist Dr. Marta Meana claims that when it comes to sex, what women really want is to be wanted. Oprah had her on her show and women all over seem to be responing to her message. I have to agree 100% that what women really want is to turn on their guy to the point that he craves her, and only her with wild abandon. She will want him to "take her" without having to talk about it, but only if she really wants him, too.

Women think that talking is the important key to intimacy, and while there are times that it is important, talking can get in the way of sexual intimacy. If what a woman wants is to be wanted with abandon, and he asks "Do you want to do it tonight, honey?" at the end of a busy, tiresome day of work, homemaking and kids, what is she going to say? "Not tonihgt dear, I have a headache!" or she will give in and it feels like she is engaging in just another daily chore.

What if instead he started caressing her in such a way that she felt his desire for her trembling in his touch, the force of his desire, and she can hear the passion in his breath? No matter how tired she is, she will likely succumb to his passions. And she will get drawn into the excitement, even if she isn't wanting an orgasm she will be thilled at his wanting her so desperately. This is what "bodic ripper" books that women buy by the millions portray.

The trick here is that if there is a backlog of resentment or if there is history of sexual trauma, the woman in this picture will possibly experience the scene described above as rape. And, any man that has experienced a woman responding this way to his passion may feel so ashamed of himself for her response, that he wil never give her (or another woman) that kind of passion again.

So if you don't address these issues then your relationship may be missing out on the hot, passionate, great sex you both desire. But these are tricky, sensitive issues aren't they? You have to find a way to talk about them and develop the kind of compassion for each other's sensitivities before you can have the bodic ripper scene in your own home.

Women's Willingness to Marry Ugly

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 17:17:04 GMT

I heard on the radio yesterday that a new study says that 50% of women say they would marry an "ugly" guy if he has enough money. Basically, the study is saying that 50% of women are willing to be prostitutes. The radio show didn't say at what rate men would do this. My guess is it's significantly less.

The DJ was making jokes about women being "shallow" but also acknowleding that men are likely just as shallow in a different way. I imagine that if a study of the same type was done about men and hot-bodied women who would be willing to have sex whenever they wanted even if they were poor and stupid the results would be at about 50% as well.

Its all in what you think brings you happiness. Basically, 50% of women think they would be happier if they had a lot more money and men think they would be happier if they had a lot more sex with a hot bodied woman.

But what is it that makes us happy with our mates? That's a study I'd like to see. Personally, I think having frequent hot sex is the marker of a healthy, happy relationship not the cause of one.

Even Tom Cruise (not one known for wisdom) admits that sex is amazing when you are emotionally connected to your partner. The truth is that amazing sex is only as amaing as it is in your mind.

I once dated a handsome guy with a fantastic body, who was also smart and really nice. Funny thing is that both of us were in a place where we weren't ready for a relationship but we liked each other and so had hot, fun sex until he got tired of commuting to see me in a town 45 minutes from him. There was no emotional romantic tie, we just enjoyed each other in and out of bed. Kind of the perfect sex, at least, that's what I thought at the time.

Looking back I realize that while the sex was fantastic, how much more fantastic could it have been? Had either of us been capable of having the kind of deep emotional connection I now know how to have, sex could have been at a completely different level.

Fortuneately, having that kind of connection, now, with my husband has created the dreamy sex life I never new was possible. Its just sad to me how many people still search for it when the answer is so close at hand.

The Secret and Great Sex

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 21:08:01 GMT

Using the “Law of Attraction” to enhance your sex life makes a lot of sense. Yvonne Fulbright on Fox News wrote about how the book doesn’t really explain how to use it in this way, but if you use a little thought you can figure out how. Her article talks about how the boo “The Secret” has become so trendy and she has really held herself back from commenting, but now she is rooting for the ideas.

There is more
Personally, I’ve been an advocate of using the principles of “The Law of Attraction” since I was a kid. Someone gave me “The Power of Positive Thinking” by Norman Vincent Peal when I was 14 and I immediately started using it to attract boys. I imagined myself as popular, and getting lots of attention. I even got a boy I had been pining away for.
Of course the problem is: what do you do with them once you have caught one.
Being a clueless child for many reasons, I honestly didn’t know. At 14 –20 I guess that is somewhat understandable. But the truth is that when I married at 24 and again at 28, I was still clueless as to what to do with one once I caught them.
My own background is that my parents divorced when I was 2, my mother remarried and divorced again when I was in my 30’s. Clearly, I had no models for how you have and maintain an intimate connection. Luckily for me my first husband helped me discover my sexual feelings, but that was only a part of the story. I was very unhappy in my marriages and rarely felt a desire to have sex with my then husbands.
But being a positive thinker from way back, I didn’t give up and after a 5 year dating hiatus I started dating and married my current husband. If it hadn’t been for my discovery of the Cycles of the Heart model, we would have undoubtedly fallen into the same poorly calculated intimacy of my first two marriages.
Funny, I don’t consider myself the creator of the model, because I think what I am is the discoverer of it. It was there, after all, before I came along. I just got lucky enough to be able to see the patterns of how we relate to each other. Now I desperately want others to discover how the cycles work in their own lives and transform their relationships with it. That is now my focus for my positive thinking!

Can you believe Oprah thinks you should "Just Say No?"

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 01:21:25 GMT

Melody's got an Oprah playing in the next room and I've been listening in. And I'm just furious. In the rush to assign blame for domestic violence we ignore the real cause and guarantee that it will happen again and again. The same people who laugh at Nancy Reagan's "Just Say No" campaign (well not all of them because I laughed at it, too) seem to think the answer to violence is to just say no.

It's not that Oprah and the rest are clueless, its just that they refuse to open their eyes.

TEST: Does all anger have it's roots in fear?

I know what we all learned about T/F questions that have 'all' or 'never' in them, but this time the correct answer is TRUE.

People (like the other animals on this planet) don't get angry until they are hurt, or even worse, believe they are about to be hurt. If you don't think that watching your relationship, your world, dissolving out from underneath you is painful, well, I don't know what planet you are from. It's horrific. It questions everything you have tried to believe about yourself. A woman in that situation is angry, too. If her fear shows up as physical aggression, no one will ever know. A man will absorb the rage and certainly not report it. It's more likely that in the failing relationship her anger will just mean she is cold, distant, and unsupportive. Or she may be looking for a verbal fight where she wins control by emotionally punishing the man until he simply can't bear it any more and must resort to violence to regain control.

Or, hopefully, walk away. From his wife, his life, his children, pets, home, everything. I did. I still spent a night in jail because leaving isn't even enough in this county, if you take your children with you.

So, I don't think it does any good to point fingers, particularly around our romantic relationships where even the participants usually don't understand what is going on. I'd rather focus on the solutions.

Much of it hinges on the concepts and understanding that are the basis of the Great Sex Seminars. They provide a way out of the mad cycle. You can be sure I'll blog about that later on.

One other area that really is a tragedy and sets up so many marriages for failure is the way so many boys are abused. They are forced to live in emotional deserts. If we didn't teach them from such a young age that their feelings were less than worthless, that they needed to be kept hidden where no one can know, then maybe they would be better equipped to survive relationships. They might even thrive.

Sexless Marriage?

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 20:47:56 GMT

Something like 40% off all marriages are, self reported as "sexless". I read today about a book, Bettina Arndt's The Sex Diaries: Why Women Go Off Sex and Other Bedroom Battles. This book has really gotten people up in arms. Men are thinking their wives should just do it because its good for the marriage, and women are thinking Arndt is a throwback to the 50's. But of course, none of them have read her book! Now, mind you, I have not read the book either. BUT I agree with what I've seen so far. of her book. Her book is a compilation of "diaries" she collected from 98 men and women talking about their sex lives. In the excerpt I read, she concludes with a lot of empathy toward the men who poured their hearts out to her.

The reality is that most men do have a biologically higher sex drive than most women. This leads to a lot of dissatisfaction on the men's part. Women yell and scream that sex is a "want" and not a "need" and why should they "give in"? Obviously some things are amiss here!

Women, too, are wanting sex more and more than in the past. It was only a few months ago when I was at a party where five women out of the five couples in attendance were unhappy with the amount of sex they are getting. These are cute, smart, personable women whose husband's would rather be on the internet or watch TV than have sex with them.

Clearly there are some serious problems with couples knowing how to stay connected emotionally and sexually. Women tend to be more aware of their emotional needs and men tend to be more aware of their sexual needs. This does not mean, I don't believe, that men and women are set up for failure. But both parties have to be willing to respect and have empathy for each other's needs. To do this, it requires getting out of the blame game and seeing the other as the bad guy. Men, you really do have to learn how to be emotionally and affectionately attentive to your wife if you expect to get laid. Women, you really do have to be willing to stretch out of your comfort zone sexually in order to have the kind of connection you want with your partner. And, if either one finds sex is not fun, then they MUST take responsibility for making sure that changes.

You do that by respecting each other enough to speak your truths and not faking orgasms. The biggest drain on sexual communication and satisfaction is faking it. How in the world is your lover ever going to know what you want if you pretend you like something you don't? Learn to get great sex by being open with your truths. You want your man to share with you emotionally???? Then don't be a coward about being open sexually about what pleases you and what doesn't. We have this double standard where we expect men to be open with us emotionally, yet we will lie to them about our sexual satisfaction. That is a sure fire way to kill a sex life.

Great Sex at 76?

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Sat, 21 Mar 2009 20:49:48 GMT

"76-year-old seeks better sex life
By China Daily
Updated: 2006-04-14 09:00
A court has rejected a 76-year-old's case for divorce in Chongqing Municipality recently. The man wanted to divorce his wife because he was dissatisfied with their sex life.

Ma and his wife have been married for 50 years, but he recently decided to file for divorce to seek a better sex life. Ma said he and his wife have not had sex for years. Ma is said to have a girlfriend in her 40s with whom he wants to live.

The court rejected Ma's case, ruling: "Fifty years of marriage prove that the couple have a stable love basis."

Well, we always knew that the Chinese government doesn't really care about human rights, but this is going a bit too far. When a man is 76 and wants to live with the woman he loves and have great sex, by gosh he should be able to!

The capacity to experience sex does not diminish with age. The old "use it or lose it" axion is very true. If you are 60, 50, 40 or even in your 30's and not having sex as often as you'd like, well think about it! Shouldn't something change, and soon?

Having frequent spontaneous and joyful sex is good for the mind and good for th body. We live longer and enjoy life more. Yet most of us are willing to settle for having sex at most, 3 times a week. Yea, I can here the cry across the country! Three times a week would be a miracle. But in fact you can have better, more satisfying sex if you really allow yourself. It just requires making the kind of emotional connection that, as Tom Cruise has said, makes sex really great.

Staying a Virgin Until You are Married?

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Fri, 20 Mar 2009 20:34:00 GMT

If you bought into a romantic fantasy that requires your spouse to only have sex with you in their entire lifetime but choose to have sex before marriage, you are in a double bind. Because if you break up with this person, you will still never have the thing you really fantasized about (two people only have in sex with each other for their entire lifetime) since you are now not a virgin.

Of course, you will have already gone against your own values by choosing to have sex with before you getting married.

Ah, now there is the real rub isn't it?

It really important that you either stop having sex with until you marry, or find a way to re-think your childhood fantasy and shift your beliefs to include that it really is okay to have sex with the person you expect to spend the rest of your life with. If you have already made this commitment to each other then you are functionally married anyway and just waiting for the legal and church blessing.

The real message here is that whatever your beliefs are, its vitally important that you don't violate your beliefs for the sake of the relationship. To do that is to sabotage the relationship.