I always assumed that sexless marriages resulted from the wife's lack of interest and the husband just giving up. He stays in the marriage for whatever reasons (there are many), and gets sex from wherever he can get it or not at all.

Since the birth of www.thisisgreatsex.com, people at social gatherings are interested in talking about their sex life with us. In particular, women.

It seems I've had it wrong. I'm trying to think of the last time I heard a man complain about not getting enough, not counting actors playing to the same stereotype I had.

What's going on here? Why are these women not getting the sex they want and need? More to the point, why would a married man not want to have sex with his wife but want to stay in the marriage?

We are physical and emotional creatures. We experience emotions in our bodies. It takes a lot of disconnect or acting to hide what we are feeling. Masking what we feel is a crucial life skill. We all have to do it. Boys have to learn it particularly well in a world where emotions are often seen as a sign of weakness. Shots of emotionally and physically tough athletes in tears after losing, or winning, a championship helps us learn how ignorant that is. Emotions fuel us. They are life!

Yet so much of our society teaches us to hide our feelings. Particularly our boys, who become the husbands of unsatisfied wives. So whenever something hurts, instead of feeling it, boys are taught to tough it out, hold it in. It really is no wonder that when a relationship inevitably exposes or even causes pain that they withdraw. They just don't want to be hurt. This classic self-protective behavior insulates them from the pain. It also prevents them feeling anything good, like the experience of lustful sex with their partner.

So, what is a wife to do?

Your partner built a thick, impervious barrier between you for reasons that make perfect sense to him. The distance is needed partly because of the discomfort your relationship naturally causes AND because they perceived that was what you expected. Too bad you can't just take the good and leave them with the bad parts. It doesn't work that way. It's pretty much all or none.

So it starts with being careful that your behavior, not your words (self-protectors get that way because they have been tricked by words before), accepts them as they are. In fact encourages them like you would a friend trying something scary. Earning that kind of trust doesn't happen quickly and it always involves setbacks. If you want his joy, you are going to have to be able to handle his anger and probably some hurtful things along the way. There was a reason you wanted him to keep it all to himself, wasn't there?

It's hard to change all of this without some help. The Oh Wow this changes everything and Great Sex websites present a practical model to guide you. Particularly when you do the online seminar and workbooks together, they present a framework that keeps you moving forward even when you just can't do what you know you are "supposed" to do.

Oh, and don't forget to ask for help. The program includes email help from both of us.